my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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