Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
whose parrot is this?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
