Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
