You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
