Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
