Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
