Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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