i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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