So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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