Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
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All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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