At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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