We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
