is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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