bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
