You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
