Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
