my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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