um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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