I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
