Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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