when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
