Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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