She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
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What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
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So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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