I never want to see another naked old woman again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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