god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
