it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
