yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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