Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
