By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
