My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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