Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
