you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
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we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
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My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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