I accidentally burped into my bong.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
