i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
