Have you finally orgasmed yet?
look no pants
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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