just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm having to shit out rocks
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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