The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
