no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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