I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
