the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i love accidental penises.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
