sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
