Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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