our cab driver is having phone sex.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
