i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
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Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
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First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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