I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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