i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
