We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
