Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
