don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
