he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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