They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
