dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
