She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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