Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
