Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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