She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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