I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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