My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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